Kevin Spacey Tried To Bum My Son!

Written by Chevy Chinburn

Kevin Spacey recently declared that from now on he will “choose to live as a gay man”. What’s next? Donald Trump coming out as an arsehole? If anyone embodies sexual ambiguity, it’s Mr Spacey. No one should be surprised that he tried to bum a fourteen year old boy.

Nevertheless, Spacey is a prodigious talent. It is no surprise that Spacey is so terrifyingly delightful as Frank Underwood in House Of Cards. One might even be forgiven for thinking that Spacey is a method actor as he deftly turned this scandal into a courageous coming out story, weaving his way out of the line up of Hollywood sex pests.

The real moral of the scandal is that if you do happen to be someone who has experienced hardship, well save it for when you fuck up. Nothing kick-starts a redemption arc like a heartfelt “my dad beat my mum”, “Cardinal George fondled me” or “I’m a sex addict”.

Entertainment journalists may as well start reporting on who in Hollywood isn’t a serial groper: “This just in, Ryan Gosling once had consensual sex” or “Megan Fox landed Transformers without sucking a dick” (as doubtful as that is). It’s simply too hard to not imagine what most of the talent-and-soulless “stars” had to do to land a role in a major movie and weather they truly believe it was worth the semen shame. I’m looking at you Channing Tatum. Was spitting, slurping and gulping worth that golden feather bed in the Hollywood hills?

Barely a day goes by without some poor person’s childhood hero being tarnished. Adam Sandler, Ben Affleck, Quentin Tarantino, Rob Bowen, Roman Polanski, Bill Cosby, Woody Allen and then there is all the pedophilia allegations and silent celebrities who would prefer to preach to the public about doing the right thing than stand up for it themselves. The curtain of mystery around Hollywood has lifted and now we can see all those there for who they really are and what they really believe.

And a good 90% of them are fuckwits.

Forget the rampant sexual depravity for a moment and look at CNN’s (need I say more?) Kathy Griffin who engaged in a mock beheading of her President, one of the most hated men in the world. Obviously Kathy expected adulation but, after kicking the hornet’s nest and being stung, Griffin cried foul at the public response of her action and blamed the forever guilty “old white men”, a weak and foolish excuse.

Those two words, weak and foolish, seem to apply to most, if not all, Hollywood stars. Why pursue an acting career if not for narcissism?  To see your face on billboards, in magazines, inside movie theaters. Actors garner love by pretending to be other people. Their whole prototype of success is founded on other people’s opinions. They’re arrested by them, at the mercy of the person they sanctimoniously lecture, providing morale guidance on everything from refugees to who to vote for.

This was put on display during the 2016 election, with everybody from the hilarious Key and Peele to the brilliant Robert De Niro embarrassing themselves with pompous anti Trump videos. I understand people’s trepidation about Donald Trump, however if you think Hilary “Rape Enabler” Clinton is the answer then your legitimacy is on par with Buzzfeed’s.

Are all actors dim-witted? No, surely there’s some who just want to bring joy to people’s lives. But Hollywood has been caught with their pants down. The gigs up, no one gives a fuck about what you have to say anymore. We don’t care, in fact it’s worse than that. People hate you. If they ever wiped the fog away from their private planes windows and landed in a lower working class area, reality might smack them in the face.

The hypocrisy is limitless, with more and more reputations become defilled they continue to ride their high horse towards the end of the cliff, refusing to step out of the “Yes Man” merry-go-round and have their egos showered in superficial praise.

People don’t but movie tickers for moral guidance, or look to you to condemn others for behaviour half of us our probably guilty of. We can forgive that you sucked dick for parts in movies, groped little boys and got away with flagrant hit and runs that would of landed any normal person in jail. We hand over our hours rate because, for two or three hours we get to pretend, just as you pretend. We vicariously get swept away into a film about people we can never hope to be as great, or as interesting, or as evil, or as good as. That’s it.

Keep making great films, keep making millions more than us and keep your fucking mouths shut. We don’t care about what you’ve done in the past, Kevin, I’ll overlook that little indiscretion with a hairless schoolboy. Ben Affleck I’ll suspend my repugnance towards your personality as I watch Good Will Hunting, and Meryl Streep, I will even forget about how satisfying it would be to see you get hit in the face with a brick. . Keep distracting us from the misery of our lives, and we’ll keep filling that hole in your soul by cascading you with applause. People still dance to Thriller, right?

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