Last night I made the mistake of driving someone else’s car with no aux cord or bluetooth capability which meant listening to the radio – to Triple J of all stations, the owner’s preset.
If you’re not Australian and have no idea what Triple J is, be thankful, and imagine the douchiest, most hipster, progressive and pretentious station you can. Triple J descibes itself as a “youth” radio station for Australian music, yet most of the hosts are well into their 30’s and most of the music they play is American pseudo pop. They are Vice on the radio, paying homage to the demographic they still wish they were a part of, talking about social media, that sesh life and simplified politics, anything they can to seem relevant, like a forty year old man going through a mid life crisis.
This is a station so full of themselves that when they had a falling out with Wolfmother’s frontman Andrew Stockdale, Triple J claimed responsibility for Wolfmother’s popularity, thinking their shitty dogmatic station was more important to Wolfmother’s success (their debut album went 5× Platinum in Australia) than Stockdale’s obvious talent. Although I image everyone who works at Triple J is a failed and bitter musician themselves and wishes they had just a fraction of Stockdale’s talent – I mean, who dreams of becoming a radio disc jokey? They are feeders, without the requisite charisma or talent needed to be anything more.
On top of this, every year Triple J let’s its cool, young and hip listeners choose a Hot 100 tracks. But, in true progressive style, there is no democracy as Triple J dictate what songs can and can’t be voted for. Recent years has seen online campaigns to have Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift included in the Hot 100 but Triple J just banned both artists from the selection, claiming they were “too mainstream” while, oblivious and unashamed of their hypocrisy, constantly playing child-star Drake who “started at the bottom” on Degrassi, one of the most popular child TV franchises of all time. It wouldn’t surprise me if in the future Triple J just listed 100 tracks for their listeners to choose their favourite 100 tracks from.
Anyway, back to my car ride. Triple J played a new Aussie hip hop track (90% of what Triple J plays nowadays is hip hop and dance music, even in the early morning – they’re just that cool) by Urthboy called Flat Earth.
Here’s the chorus:
Don’t tell me what to believe
Or accept what I cannot see
Fuck you and your facts, I’m free
If you don’t like it leave
I don’t even wanna walk in your shoes, what about me?
Flat Earth, flat Earth
Flat Earth, flat Earth, flat Earth
In a recent article, I mentioned how desperate Australian rappers are to be associated with their American counterparts. I can only assume that is what Urthboy is doing with this new song, forcing the association of him and out-spoken flat earther B.o.B.
But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. If you lack enough self awareness to become an Australian rapper in the first place, thinking having a bedtime is on par with growing up in an American ghetto, I suppose it is entirely possible you could believe the earth is flat.
What was worse than the song was the audience reaction. Calls opened as soon as the song ended and the first caller praised Urthboy for the profound and political nature of the song, an alarming statement to say the least.
This recent surge in Flat Eathers, this denial of science and assertion of facts as being fascist (“fuck you and your facts, I’m free”), is worse than a Jehovah’s Witnesses’s delusions about medical practices involving blood. Anyone who even subscribes to the possibility that the earth is flat ought to be locked up in a maximum security prison, in solitary confinement, on Antarctica, with an orca, far away from a platform as full of idiots as Triple J evidently is.