Smoking Is Cool

Written by Chevy Chinburn

I remember when smoking was an accepted habit. Bars, planes, restaurants and even hospitals were all fair game. Nowadays, in a vein similar to Iran’s piety police beating a 10 year old for forgetting which direction Mecca faces, Victoria’s blue vested heroes are here to insulate virgin lungs from the threat of secondhand smoke. The Victorian nanny state just outlawed smoking within four metres of a cafe. The Andrews Government has put on the prostate glove, parted the cheeks, dodged the beans on toast puffing its way out, slipped a finger in and charged us 180 bucks. Nurturing ain’t cheap. Smoking around an old housewife drinking her coffee while decreasing her sexual appeal with custard tart will now leave your bank account 800 dollars lighter. That’s right, smoking around a café now costs almost a week’s wage.

Residual smokes death count presides right next to marijuanas conspicuously non-threatening blowback smoke.  It’s about as dangerous as an armless boxer. Fortunately for the paranoid, an inhaling feigns lungs gulp up all the rat poison a modern day cigarette has to offer.

We’ve started wars on lies, imprisoned innocents and claimed Russell Crowe is Australian. Veracity of empirical data is only indisputable when someone needs to dip their hand in your pocket. Remarkably Adolf Hitler was the first statesman to implement an anti-smoking health campaign, is the comparison to hyperbolic? The rule book for proper behaviour is ever growing, individual character has to find a new form of self-defeat. Overbearing know it alls declared total war on the historic vice years ago, and the fervour isn’t subsiding.

Gone are the days of simply walking away from behaviour you don’t like. Instead of avoiding smokers like they contracted Ebola, we now steal their daughters christmas presents by extracting money from their families. Isn’t the high risk of lung cancer punishment enough? Areas for cool kids to assert their indifferent prowess are shrinking.

Disagreeing with a lifestyle choice, yet still having the ability to dignify that person is a commendable trait. Respecting others who mirror you is easy, tolerating the opposition takes maturity. Congeniality between two sides is disappearing, imposing your standards on others is a troubling precedent. Not everyone is going to conform to your worldview, I don’t like excessively drunk people, I like the idea of having fun though. So if getting exceedingly intoxicated brings your pleasure, by all means get white girl wasted. I’ll just go somewhere else.  Mcdonald’s disgust nearly as much as the fat women it produces. But we can’t fine them, I won’t be marrying a chubby and I won’t be abusing one either. The misery of looking fat is enough punishment in itself.

Ultimately the decision should lay with the business. If café owners prefer you not to smoke outside around other people eating, put up a sign, If half their clientele are smokers, by all means let them smoke.  Yoga pants wearing mothers will just have to spend their husbands hard earned money gossiping at another venue.

It’s time for everyone to relax, I can’t tell whether the government is running low on cash or is spending the majority of its healthcare money pacifying ice addicts who beat up 55kg female nurse’s. The hypocrisy is limitless. I could give you a stock standard argument on big pharmaceutical companies legally peddling poison while marijuana cultivation astonishingly gets you locked up in a cage.

The triteness of facts bores me, so i’ll go with my emotion. Let people be the fucking pieces of shit they want to be. Let ol mate johnny’s gambling habit see him evicted from a house to a box, let Judy gulp her pension down and let smokers eat an eggs benedict as they toke on some overpriced cancer stick. We’re turning into a group of petulant little toddlers who throw tantrums when the world doesn’t fit into our standards. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.

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