Thanks for joining us, we know how hard it must be for you to publicly express your private battles. We appreciate your bravery in raising awareness.
Thanks for talking to me, I just want to share my story and let others suffering in silence know that they’re not alone.
Tell me about yourself?
My names Henry Hemorrhoid, I’m 26 years old from Brisbane Australia. Currently unemployed and living in a Uni Flat. The reason I’m here is to raise awareness and funds for compulsive illegal defecating disorder. Commonly known as dropping shits in inappropriate locations for the amusement of myself and others.
How long have you been suffering from this affliction?
I found my love for the art form during high school, I was 16 when I first dropped a dunce on someone’s windshield. I’d say it became severe around the age of 19, and it’s been life debilitating for about the last 5 years.
What started this eccentricity?
To add some context to this story, I wasn’t a very popular kid, not a lot of friends and always the last to be invited to the dance. My social skills were abhorrent. As most people remember fitting in as a teenager is important to you. I was just looking for a way to get attention and adulation.
And this attention came in the form of dropping dingle berries?
Unexpectedly yes. As I was saying, I was 16 at the time, your typical lonely year 10 student. There was a year 12 douche bag by the name of Roy Dodgers. Roy personified fuckwit like no other. Stupid voice, punchable face, pigeon chest and this gimpy walk that could be recognised from miles away. He used to strut around the school with ass perched and shoulders back, harassing all the kids younger than him. Having just turned 18, he got his license and bought himself a 2008 Silver Holden Commodore, he boastfully nicknamed it the “milf trapper” or the “fatty dodger”, constantly bragging about how he was going to set his age to 40+ on tinder and find my mum. Roy had successfully agitated the entire school. During maths class everyone’s temper had hit boiling point, chatter was alight with how to pierce his armour of arrogance. I had just watched American Pie the reunion, siting the cinematically beautifully scene of Stifler dropping a warm on in his rivals esky, I sheepishly suggested we should put a brown one on the bonnet of the “milf hunter”. This idea combusted like dynamite on a Palestinian toddler, causing the class to explode with excitement. Everyone looking at me like my dog did when he was hungry. I set the challenge, now I had to honour it. Roys personality had fast tracked him to being the target of a faeces bombardment.
So did the nasty?
Yep. After downing 3 burgers and gulping 2 litres of water to get the digestion system flowing, I become the saviour the year level needed.
Take us through the actual situation of dropping the hot one…
Chinese whispers amounted to everyone knowing what I was going to do, there was no backing out now. Time to assume the role I created. I had leaped out of obscurity, and like a corner kid home from his first arrest, I was never going back. It took place at the end of lunch, there was about 40 witnesses. I hopped on the bonnet, dropped my trousers just above knee height, gripped the windscreen and proceeded to expel a sticky sausage that had been roasting in the belly. Abruptly turning the “fatty dodger” into the fatty holster.
Damn, so you went with the squat approach, not the napkin surprise?
I consider doing it on the napkin then placing it on the bonnet but that sounded a little gross. I firmly gripped the sides of the windscreen, as not to fall backwards in the middle of the duty, I wasn’t going to become the victim of my own crime. Gripping the sides allowed me to stabilise, moving my knees just further than hips length apart. Generating an opening between the cheeks and paving the way for a smooth exit to landing for the nutella express.
How was the crowd reaction?
A total uproar of jubilance. I’’d never had so much social validation in my life. Girls, guys, faculty all admired my work. I was renamed Henry H-bomb, for the emotional devastation I unloaded onto Roy’s life.
Was it long before you offended again?
NO, people expected more of me now. I was pooping in lockers, hallways, gym bags, teachers cars, rival schools classrooms and anywhere that would gain a laugh with my peers. Problem was, this joke never got old. The bar was raised so high and the pressure was so intense it caused so much internal anxiety. I never said no, everyday someone had an idea of where I could drop the kids off. My diet changed completely to accommodate this.
You started eating more?
Yes, it’s all about the foods you eat. Fitting your diet for the offense you want to launch. Car jobs need carbs, lots of them, pasta, bread, pizza whatever’s going to keep your excrement solid. If you have time to really enjoy the unloading, carbing up is the way to go. For the hit and run jobs I’d suggest India or Asia, anything that launches out of your rectem with velocity is great for shop fronts or Mcdonald’s drive thrus. Places you need a quick escape from. Regular water intake is crucial for maintaining proper digestion.
What made this habit so damaging?
I used as substitute for real confidence. I’ve always had an aversion to confrontation increasing the likelihood of revenge shits.
Explain how you substituted it for real confidence?
Instead of improving my social skills, i figured out a way to always get a positive reaction from people. At a party? Shit on the roof, guaranteed laughs. New work place? Shit on the bosses car, guaranteed laughs. Christmas Lunch? Shit in your least favourite uncles esky, then you’ll experience true Christmas joy.
What’s this aversion to conflict you mentioned?
Arguments and fighting is emotionally taxing. I circumvent all desire to bite back at people who insult, or use me by using the dingle berry tactic of, finding their car or place of residence, and dropping a brown in an antagonising area. A place that’s going to irritate them. This is effective in its result, but damaging to my long-term safety. Concealing your lips while loosening your rectum has its drawbacks. I’ve been beaten up, fired and isolated from multiply work forces and friendship circles because of it. I went as far as to soil my ex-girlfriends Grandma’s bowls bag with a Tuesday night Chinese special.
How has this affected your life?
Tremendously, I’ve been arrested multiple times, shitting repudiation stopped being cool at around 21, ended relationships and left me borderline homeless living off centrelink in a one bedroom apartment that doesn’t even have a kitchen. I hang my cloths out of a window like I’m some common whore living in a Brazilian favela. I’ve gained weight and suffer from constant irritable rectum syndrome from overworking my bowels all these years.
Thanks for joining us Henry, any closing thoughts?
Just be careful, I know it may seem harmless but taking a shit in an inappropriate location is one of humorous acts you can engage in, so much so that never gets old. You do though, and getting old with the reputation of a serial public shitter isn’t something to be proud. Deuce wisely this party season. Remember, moderation is key.
For more information on this addiction, visit shittingeverywhere.com